Breaking the Chains: Understanding Enabling Behaviors
We Nigerians love our family members and friends. We treasure community and adore our elders. But when drug and alcohol abuse enter our lives–things change for the worse. And sometimes, our loved ones are struggling with addiction and it hurts us to witness them in such pain–and so, often, wanting to help we actually end up further harming our loved ones by doing something called ‘enabling”. What is enabling?
Enabling: Enabling is doing things for someone that they could and should be doing themselves.
Many times when family and friends try to "help" people with alcohol and substance abuse addictions they extend forms of help, support and ‘rescue’ that are actually making it easier for them to continue using and abusing drugs and alcohol.
This is called enabling. Enabling allows someone with an alcohol problem to continue their destructive behavior, knowing that no matter how many mistakes they make, or how many promises they break, somebody will always be there to rescue them.
Signs of Enabling
In order to overcome enabling, the first step is to learn how to recognize it. Here are some signs that you or someone you know might be an enabler.
Avoiding the Problem: Avoidance is a common way to cope with a problem. For example, instead of confronting the person about their behavior, you might simply look for ways to avoid dealing with it. The problem is that while avoidance might be a short-term, temporary solution, it can make the problem worse in the long run.
Denying That There Is a Problem: It can be difficult to admit that your loved one has a problem. This can be especially true if the other person denies that they have an addiction. While you might know that there is an issue, it is sometimes easier to let yourself believe their denials or convince yourself that the problem really isn't that bad.
Feeling Resentful: Even though you keep finding ways to protect your loved one from the consequences of their alcohol or substance use, your resentment for having to do things may continue to build. This can lead to feelings of anger and irritability, which can interfere with your health and relationships. The Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge
Ignoring or Tolerating the Problematic Behavior: You might try to ignore the signs of your loved one's behaviors. For example, you might find evidence that they have been drinking or using drugs in your home but ignore it and avoid confronting them about it.
Making Excuses or Covering for Them: Enabling can also involve excusing or covering up their behavior so that they don't have to face the consequences. For example, you might call their employer and say that they are sick when they are really too hungover to go to work.
Giving Them Financial Support: Providing financial assistance that maintains the problematic behavior is also a sign of enabling. You might pay their bills that they forgot to pay or even give them cash that they then use to buy alcohol or drugs.
Putting Their Needs Above Your Own: Enabling also involves sacrificing or neglecting your own needs to care for the other person. This might involve experiencing financial hardships in order to keep providing for the other person financially or neglecting your own health to care for the other person physically.
Taking Over Responsibilities for the Other Person: When the other person can't fulfill their daily duties, you might take over to cover for them. This might involve doing household tasks such as cleaning, laundry, or child care.
Enabling Can Be Subtle
While enabling can sometimes be apparent, it can also take more subtle forms. For example, giving a person gifts that help them maintain their problem behaviors can also be a form of enabling.
How to Stop Enabling
If you recognize some of the signs of enabling in your relationship, there are steps that you can take to address the issue.
Explain the Problem: If you've been avoiding or denying the person's problem behavior, the first step is to make it clear that you know about it. Be compassionate and make it clear that while you don't support the behavior, you are willing to support and help them in getting help and making a change.
Create Boundaries: Establishing and then maintaining clear boundaries is essential. Let them know what those boundaries are and then follow through when those limits are violated. For example, tell them that they cannot come to your home or be around you when they are drinking. Having boundaries minimizes enabling behaviors and protects your mental health and well-being.
Don't Provide Financial Assistance: Giving the other person money allows them to continue engaging in destructive behavior. By not financially supporting the addiction, the other person will have to find ways to become more self-reliant.
Let Them Face the Consequences: As long as someone with an alcohol use disorder or other issue has their enabling devices in place, it is easy for them to continue to deny the problem. Only when they are forced to face the consequences of their own actions will it finally begin to sink in how serious the problem has become? For the loved ones of people with an alcohol or substance use disorder, sometimes this isn't easy. The consequences of the individual's behavior can affect the entire family, so it is important to find a way to balance these hard choices with the reality of what is safe and acceptable for the rest of the family.
Make Tough Choices: Confronting the behavior sometimes means making tough choices. For families, this might mean taking children to a friend's or relative's house, or even a shelter, and letting the individual come home alone to an empty house. This is an option that protects the family and leaves the individual to deal with their problem. Those kinds of choices are difficult. They require "detachment with love. Making hard choices involves avoiding enabling while still being supportive of your loved one. Research suggests that people who have substance use disorders often have fewer social supports, which can undermine their recovery.
Supportive Relationships: Having supportive relationships with caring family members, partners, and friends has been shown to help people maintain their sobriety, so it is important to show that you care and support your loved one.
Detachment From a Family Member With Alcoholism https://www.verywellmind.com/enabling-alcoholic-is-not-helping-63297
If you or someone you know needs #Help. Contact HELPLINE NIGERIA: NDLEA English, Pidgin, Hausa, Yoruba and Igbo. And very importantly, the helpline is open 24/7. A call to the helpline, 0800 1020 3040